Scales - or - the story of my happiness

( What was your question, my special friend?

why ain't I happy?... when life is so glad? )

Why am I here?

Yes, the question arises at the end of the year,

why am I here?

Why did you sent me back?

Yes, during my deadly birth I lost all of my strength,

why did you sent me back?

Was this my own intent?

Arriving here, to unripe and unready parents,

to crabby adult-children, being the third, who needless,

in a body of desperation and weakness,

burdened with all the imaginable childhood illness,

was this my own intent?

Was this my decision?

A female body, abused, ashamed, taught inhibitions'

victim, handicapped right from the start position,

beaten, humiliated by the taught compulsions

in my fragile gender, is it really shown?

was this my decision?

What is the sense?

I wander across the human beings' frightening land,

for one kind word I give you all my presents,

no communicational help, my trust is clear target,

shoot me bravely, alone, myself I can not defend,

what is the sense?

Why, so many task?

The package is hard, a long list, you put on my heart,

the Jew karma's inherited suffering leads the line,

the unsolved and un-healed Holocaust flames oblige

to deeply feel the discrimination's terrible strike,

to understand, to eliminate the pattern of fright,

... so many task...

the package is hard, a long list, the mother and daughter

ego game's fate-book poisoned the air, engulfed the water,

stole the truth, my life-chances lost, failed, no relief, breath,

a loving mother... how great it would have been!... blessed!

to unveil, to understand, to forgive, to forget

retroactively generations' maternal wickedness,

to liberate my children from the family-curse, yes,

... so many stress...

the package is hard, a long list, to face my weakness,

the memories of suicide haunt in my fate-test

from life to life, to realise, to awake, to deflect,

to discover the pattern, to break the chain, till then

staying alive instead of escaping again,

to see the medal's reverse, to feel the guilt and

fight of the survivor, yes, the lesson was potent,

... often got broken...

the package is hard, a long list, to stand in the gap,

alone in an enemy world, not ask, there is no help,

no crying, all is in vain in the place of loneliness,

there's no mercy for the weak, just a Toledo steel can

resist, I became a rock with thorns on my tenderness,

undertook my responsibility to guard, take care

of the four innocent souls, who became my children,

to find You, Lord, in my abandoned heart, listen

to your voice, to break my wild ego's beastly reign,

... not much time left...

the package was hard, a long list, but at the end

you gave my miracle twin flame experience,

which lifted me up to face the common challenge...

yes, life never stops, we're just tiny parts of the process.

... it will be easy? nobody has said...

With serious thoughts, sharp truth and trusty arms

I fought, I learned, I lost, I won, my wounds are stigmas,

my scars are signs of pride, at the end of my tasks

I am surprised, yes, it's done!... and my life had passed,

the Home invites, I'm immensely tired, ready to start,

now I clearly see,

a personal challenge might overwrite the gladness,

no cause for irresponsibility, time is endless,

life is work, serious task, hard experience,

it's not about just sing and dance, the missed happiness

was not lost, it rests in the soul's hidden secret

and arrives with a new life, perhaps, by the next...

***

31.12.15