2.) The story of my ego's potty training

Come, dear, sit beside me... enjoy the music...

... let it bring peace into the moment... pondering peace...
... tell me, have you ever thought of how does God teach us?

Hmm... a special process that we live through... hard lessons' repetition until we understand their meaning at the end. Until we wake up from the victim role and recognise that Earthly life is not a cruel enemy... everything happens by God's plans for the sake of our spiritual development.

A long process spiced by free will... oh, yes, we love our grievances, we love to blame the circumstances and search for scapegoat, we love to suffer spectacularly, we love to judge, to hate and pull back each other... yes, there is only one thing what we don't love - it is Responsibility!

To undertake our own responsibility for our own, whole life!
 

Maybe, you already heard the method, how a puppy can be taught, potty training, when the little nose is pushed into the "stinky puddle"... yes, dear, we are here on "potty learning".

Life is a long, difficult way, adorned by our ego's "stinky puddles", and God, the caring "pet keeper" pushes our nose into the inglorious traces again and again.

There are not too many variations of destroyer ego games what we play here against ourselves, to obstruct our own spiritual manifestation - staying faithful to this metaphor I may say, the ego loves only some special places to leave its "reeking pee signs"... and God always stays there to warn when someone "is leaking" unconsciously.

Yes, dear, during sixty years my ego made some truly grisly stinky traces.

It's not easy to clean up afterwards... but education must go on, the needed help arrives by the most unexpected way.

*

I don't want to lie.

When you, my God given twin-flame, betrayed me, the first shock was blinding... the similarly shocking recognition arrived some months later.

Have you ever stumbled in a dark room?... coming up against the furniture thinking that everything conspired for the sake of your maltreatment... with mordant pain in shinbones and big toes at last you reach, then open the door - "let there be light"!... and there becomes light.

And this lucidity unveils the hidden meaning suddenly.

A three-actors ego drama's last repetition you gave to me. An opportunity to face, to find and set myself free.
I'm grateful to live through this catharsis.

Our predestined role was to play the protagonists in a common drama that gives new chances of spiritual liberation. Though you have free will to decide rightly, but - is it sorrowful or joyful? - you chose and played a negative, self-destroying role willingly without thinking. Your efforts were my last steps to reach and open that certain door... "let there be light"!

Thanks to your decision's evident absurdity I understood my inner values. My soul's treasure can never be a matter of debate, it doesn't depend on someone's loyalty or betrayal, approval or obstruction, benevolence or bad intention.
I AM God's valuable truth - regardless of you and the outside world!

In exchange I confronted you with your own turpitude. I just may hope, that you'll be brave enough to face your dangerous ego, which serves the evil and attacks innocent spiritual love in full armament.

My handmade drama's third, supporting actor is only one of many similar mediocre beings who chooses the devil's slavery unconsciously.

Though it lies something else, but the evil itself also was created by God and unwittingly, but it serves His plan - there is no other chance.

***

What do I write?

"Words, words, words." as the Danish prince told so relevantly.

"What is the matter, my lord?" - asks my fate by Polonius' voice.

So, let's go back in time to fill these words with life!

Stage is prepared, actors are ready, the scenario's first scene is about motherhood.

Just watch, waiting her first and single child how this woman fulfills God's intention... just watch, how the evil is lurking behind the events.

Like an old burlesque... as the unsuspecting naive new-comer becomes to useless third, as motherhood's blessings turn to hatred when the evil manipulates the weakness.

To be unwanted child, to face my own weak parents' betrayal, to lose myself among their lies, to become to the evil's prey... oh, my God!

This plan was truly hard!

Yes, arriving here I disturbed a well working wicked collaboration. A cousin of mine already occupied the "child's place" in my mother's heart.

She never forgave me my birth!

Like a cuckoo nestling its forster-mother's own eggs - my cousin decided to push me out from my own nest. Her flattering lies caressed my mother's selfish arrogance. I was undefended against these sly whisperer attacks and the single person, whose task would have been to protect me - that single person was mesmerized by the devilish influence.

My ten years older cousin took over the lead.

I could never be good enough.

The strong, destroying will came over into my heart and suggested that the only good decision would have be if I would die.

After my deadly birth and two - almost deadly - childhood sicknesses yet I stayed here.

The survival's price was high.

I had to learn my worthlessness!

Nothing could change my mother's prejudice.
Like a mother-tigress, she defended her kin against me wildly.
This is the way as the evil works planting its own intentions into its victim's mind, steering the weak persons, forcing them to choose falsehood instead of true values.

Defending an outsider intent my mother became jealous on her own child whilst my cousin fueled this wickedness from the background.

My spiritual values - the excellent school certificates, my clear analytic thinking, my sincere personality never could be equal to my cousins high-heeled shoes, extra clothes, golden jewels, painted hair and underhand adulation.

My God given mother greatly appreciated the surface's false disguise and changed my pure truth to money's tawdry lies.
 

As years went by I learned to see myself by her eyes - being worthless, useless. 

I learned to praise and eulogize my cousin... I learned to hate and hide my true values... to become to that false person who I never was! 

As a child, I hoped - secretly - that this sacrifice softens my mother's heart and once she will love me.

But no, my dear, she enjoyed the power and kicked me again when I was already on the ground.

She was viperous for the sake of viperousness along her whole, long life. Her "split personality" - like a spiritual slavery - led to complete dementia at the end.

You see, when the evil becomes your friend you must play by its killer rules.

It won't save you... there is no quibble...

(Escaping her own true inner self my cousin chose alcoholism later.)

***

I'm sure, you already suspect the next episode.

Some years later the drama continued in new casting.

My weak, alcoholic husband was steered by his mother's untrue commands... and he had no doubt - I was the sinner always in everything!

My mother in law fueled his son's anger, then he came home to fight against us, against his own family.

I never got chance to prove my innocence - my mother in law always was right.

Child rearing, housework, gardening, money - she knew better, everything. Like an imperator, she wanted me "to surrender", to live by her commands.
With her manipulative lies she answered to my resistance.
Her son was weak, didn't trust me, but his mother's persistent influence could manipulate him. He destroyed my self-esteem in everyday mortifying quarrels, his slaps taught me to my own worthlessness.

The man who was predestined to defend his children, to support his whole family - this man listened, and believed his mother's endlessly stupid lies, and attacked us from time to time, until he won the fight against himself and commited suicide.

Yes, the same sick trio with a weak, evil controlled person in the middle, who got the chance to choose, but was too coward to decide rightly.

***

Do you know how does Scientology use the word "re-stimulate"?.

When life creates the similar circumstances, when you feel the same energy that feeds your long ago rolling personal ego game - it re-stimulates the unhealed wounds.

Oh, what a devilish circle!... oh, what a divine possibility!

Your healing depends on one single decision.

Do you want to suffer again, suffer as a helpless victim complaining and cursing everything and eveybody?

Do you want to overcome, rise upon your grievance using perspicacity, unveiling the old pattern?

Re-stimulated ego games are gifts of God.

Unrivalled possibilities.

***

I'm grateful for your extremely bizarre decision.

I don't want to lie.

First I couldn't believe my eyes seeing as you are flattering around a person who boasts loudly with her language-knowledge ignorance, who makes jokes on vegetarians, who boasts with her thinking weakness and satirizes the thinkers.

Yes, dear, first I was sure - this is a bad joke.

In long messages you admired her imagined values - whilst the truth was already written down in public comments by this person's own hands... and you were mesmerized by this proudly advertised ignorance!

Being surprised, but I knew for sure that this false mediocrity is not a rival for me.

Later, as you became jealous instead of that "friend" and began to defend this arrogant silliness against me - I recognised that certain old ego game's return.

Manipulated - like once my mother, like once my husband - you were not your own self anymore.

Moreover - you were not present anymore.

The evil's unconscious tool...

Did you notice how many times we barter the truth to falsehood?

“ 'Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.' ”

Luke 23:34

Yes, dear, we always get what we deserve... and I decided to get the truth.

I deserve it!

Dissecting our steps, observing the uttered - written - words and their conveyed energy I found verity's lucidity and calmed at last.

This was the last repetition of my old family ego game. The purpose - as always - was to destroy my self-esteem forcing me to believe and over-estimate blindly a false person's lied values.

Yes, I know, my energy is dangerous for it, that is why the evil attacks - but already it has no power over me!

My Lord, your love strengthened me!

I'm Your beloved, precious child.
It is magnificent to re-discover Your gifts within my heart.

Inner treasures what were given by You.

Inner treasures that build my self-love and strong self-esteem.

Since I feel Your supporting presence I fear of nothing.

To under-estimate myself?

To hurt Your valuable child?

Never again!

Thank you my Lord!

I'm grateful for Your help whilst I was seeking Your sacred healing words - the Truth. 

You, my God given twin flame will always be an inseparable part of my heart.

You - and the evil itself! - served my liberating lesson perfectly.

Once your spiritual development will reach the critical mass and you'll wake up. Till then you use the free will to make new and new circles of self-destroying suffering... and the evil helps to sustain this painful sleep.

I know, that no one can be redeemed from outside. Your personal salvation must mature within your own soul.

After many different lives' various failures now we could fulfil a part of our common task.

I wish you bravery and strength to say "No" to the evil's temptation, and to liberate yourself.

Be blessed, dear!

06.2016